(8.19.19) A Lonnnng (yet fast) Birth Story

This week marks two weeks since we gave birth to our third healthy baby.  If you have read my sporadic posts on this blog (bless you for your perseverance), you might remember our rushed first birth, our early miscarriage and the dramatic entrance our second daughter made the evening of New Year's Eve.  This time, was much different than each of those experiences.

First of all, we were NOT expecting to be expecting.  My experience nursing our second daughter was so rewarding, but it was DEMANDING of my body and my emotions.  She nursed constantly.  She didn't sleep through the night until 13-14 months old.   In the midst of this chaos, and while on vacation out of state with my in-laws for Christmas, I started not feeling well. As the symptoms piled up, I told my husband, "If we are not pregnant, you need to take me to the doctor when we get home because something is wrong with me."  Instead, I purchased a pregnancy test (or 4) when we got home, quickly took it, and found out we were pregnant.  I told my husband nonchalantly the day of our youngest daughter's first birthday party.  I will never forget the smile of disbelief on his face and how I just shook my head.  Yes, we were in fact doing this again. Ready or not!

It took me a long while to be on board with this pregnancy, I hate to admit.  I was very sick (again).  I vomited most everyday until the 18-19 week of pregnancy.  I had LOTS of food aversions that would hit me at a minute's notice.  I experienced awful heartburn.  Due to all of this, I was pretty willing to wean our daughter at 13 months (which might have been earlier than either of us really wanted).  I muttered "I will never sleep again. What if I literally NEVER sleep again?!" many times.  I repeated that this child was a miracle, a gift of God.  I was truly grateful for our baby, but I could no longer be naively excited about the whole process as I had been in the past.  I knew what it might entail this time, and I wasn't sure I was ready quite yet.

11 weeks and already showing!

I decided right away that I wanted to be seen by a different practice (again).  So, I called a group that delivers at the same hospital we went to last time, which is about an hour away from our home.  This practice integrates OB/GYNs and midwives in a beautiful way.  Since I hadn't had a period at all since the birth of our second child, I had absolutely NO idea when we had conceived.  They wanted me to come in for blood work the next day to verify my pregnancy and get an approximate idea of how far along I was.  With how sick I was, I knew I couldn't drive for an hour with my two children to do this...so I told my mom and dad we were pregnant (the earliest I had every spilled this news before!) and my mom graciously drove me and watched my girls during my appointment.

This practice believes that progesterone injections are wise for anyone with a history of pregnancy loss.  Since we had previously miscarried, and I tested quite low for my progesterone levels, they suggested we do twice weekly injections.  This meant about $100 in supplies and that my husband (WHAT A MAN, YOU GUYS) would use YouTube videos and printable instructions to learn how to give me a slow, oil-based injection, in my rear end.  We both hated it.  It often left me bruised and sore, and he felt awful.  But, we reminded each other, it would all be worth it if it meant the baby was healthy.  The protocol then has you get your blood tested periodically to check that your progesterone levels are increasing.  Mine did somewhat, but I never got up to where they wanted me to be.  Regardless, after our 10 week "trial" we opted to be done with the injections because of the overall cost, and because we were past the risk of early miscarriage at that point.

At our 18 week anatomy scan, we opted to be surprised (again) if this baby would be a boy or girl, but we weren't quite ready for the additional surprise of finding out that our baby showed signs of a mild cleft lip.  We were educated on what that might mean, and we were told we would need another ultrasound in one month to double check/rule out this possibility.  I'm sure you can imagine the mental "what-if"s we tried NOT to entertain over the following 4 weeks.

19 weeks and carrying a very tired toddler.

Thankfully the following ultrasound (to our shock, really) showed no signs of cleft lip whatsoever.  We were able to get very clear pictures of a beautiful nose, lips and chin that seemed to clear up any suspicion of abnormality.  We were very relieved and thankful to God for one less "complication" to think of, even though we knew cleft lip would have been a very mild concern in our case.

Around 36 weeks into the pregnancy I had a weird, painful twinge in my right hip flexor when I went to stand up after sitting in the church nursery for an hour.  I could hardly walk.  I spent one miserable night sleeping in a recliner in agony...and nearly coming unglued emotionally, imagining going into labor already in this much pain.  Thankfully, at my appointment the next day, my midwife highly recommended seeing a chiropractor.  I was willing to try anything to get relief and I made an appointment (for the first time in my life!) with a chiropractor for later that week.  He then recommended I come twice a week until the baby came.  I felt relief gradually as I was adjusted by him and tried the stretches and posture changes he recommended.

29 weeks: family pictures <3

33 weeks:  Our last outing together before Baby #3

38 weeks

Right after our last appointment & my last picture pregnant!

Monday, August 19 I woke up around 6am and had to go to the bathroom.  That was not unusual at all for me at this point, but I noticed as I stood up and walked back to bed that my stomach was cramping pretty hard.  I remember wondering if a mild contraction had actually woken me up instead of my need to go to the bathroom.  I laid in bed awake until 6:50 and counted 3 more contractions that felt noticeable.  I didn't time them, but I was surprised that I was feeling more than 1 or 2.  As my husband got ready for work, I laid awake and loaded the app "Full Term" on my phone to help me time contractions.  I was alarmed when one contraction around 7:30 left me unable to lay still in bed.  I turned and moved and breathed deeply and then thought WAIT.  Those types of feelings shouldn't come yet.  Was this real?! I talked with my husband and we decided he could try to work until around lunch time and then check back in.  I was largely in denial still because c'mon!  We are only 39 weeks today.  This can't really be it. They'll fade before too long, right?

And for a while, they did.  My husband forgot the bag of cucumbers from our garden that we were trying to pawn off on his coworkers, so I volunteered to drive them in to get my mind off the contractions. As I chased two kids around his building and was introduced to a handful of his coworkers for the first time, I breathed through a few contractions.  I was beginning to panic a little in my mind.  I said to my husband as the girls and I started to leave, "I think today is our day."  He looked a little surprised, but told me to keep him posted. When I got home, I wondered if my water had broken.

Our girls running around Dad's work as Mom is in labor.

He came home to check on me at lunch time and by then I was laying on my side on the couch, drinking lots of water, timing contractions and dozing off in between.  Even though this was my third time experiencing labor, my contractions at this point were 15-30 minutes apart so I felt it couldn't be active, "important" labor.  They were strong when they came, which is what was beginning to confuse/worry me, but they weren't getting much closer together.  My husband returned to work as I (and our girls) napped.

We decided together to call the midwife around 11, to let her know about my water (maybe?) breaking and ask her advice.  We set up a tentative appointment for 4:45 because I had not had any cervical checks up until this point and I was starting to just want to know if my body was really progressing.  After talking to my husband via text around 2, we decided to cancel that appointment, and he agreed to be home by 5 to help out with dinner.  A few clear memories stick out from that afternoon.  I remember shoveling snacks to my two girls and letting them watch episode after episode of Daniel Tiger as I lay on the couch.  I called my mom a few times as I changed my mind about what our plans were (my mom was going to watch our kids, so I wanted to keep her in the loop).  I talked with my sister and thanked her for "distracting me", which to her signaled that labor was more intense than I was letting on. And 4-5 different people text and checked in on me in some of my most panicked, worried moments and let me know they were praying for me.  I will never forget the undeniable feeling that came over me that God was seeing me in my vulnerability and rallying others to think of me and pray for me;  I knew He would care for me in this upcoming journey.

Somewhere between texting my husband to come home to help with dinner and him actually arriving, I mentally decided we were going to the hospital.  I tried to subtly get my oldest to help pack the car, but she quickly figured out what was happening and ran through our house, skipping and shouting "WE MIGHT MEET OUR BABY BROTHER OR SISTER TODAY!!" to her younger sister.  Her joy has always been contagious. I called the midwife on call and we agreed that I should come just in case, and plan to stay in a hotel that night considering how quickly my other labors changed.  I text my sisters at 5:30ish that we were leaving our town and heading to drop off our daughters at my parent's house.  We pretty much dropped them off, kissed them goodbye and booked it to the hospital.  At this point the few car contractions I was having were miserable, but I still had 8-15 minutes between them.  I had a new Spotify playlist going on my phone to help me relax and enjoy even the hard work of labor.

At about 6:45pm we made it to the hospital.  We checked in right about at shift change, so the nurse that showed us to our triage room was not the same nurse who came back in moments afterwards when I changed into my labor gown.  I remember swaying and leaning over the bed, not wanting to sit down and our nurse saying "so I'm assuming you're here because you're having some contractions?" and I realized I must be visibly laboring.  I explained everything and she said that by doing a quick cervical check she could also swab to see if my water really had broken.  I braced myself to be disappointed (last time I had only started my hospital adventure at a 3-4), but she quickly checked me, shook her head with a laugh and said "OK, I'm just going to ask you all the other questions when we get you into a room.  You're like a 7."  I think I immediately told her she was my favorite nurse I had ever had :)  I looked at my husband as we packed up our things and I said "Here we go! We're really doing this today! Let's DO THIS!"  He text our families and let them know we were being admitted.  Our hospital bracelets say 6:57pm.

We were the only ones in labor at that time, so we were given the largest room with the tub.  I distinctly remember walking from triage to our room, directly passing all of the nurses at the nurse's station and awkwardly saying "Hi, everyone" as they watched me walk down the hallway.  I heard multiple comments to my nurse like "Is she really a 7? She looks fine!"

Soon after we were in our room, I asked for them to bring in the birthing stool, just in case I decided to use it.  When I saw how low to the floor it was, I immediately discounted that option.  My husband started a diffuser and our midwife showed up soon thereafter.  She asked us a few questions, chatted with us and encouraged me each time a contraction came, saying things like "That's it, Alison.  You're doing great."  She asked my husband if he would like to help catch the baby, and when he declined I quickly said I would like to.  This entire time the contractions would leave me swaying, rocking, squatting, leaning over the bed or against the wall, breathing deeply, moaning lowly and singing softly along to my playlist. The weirdest part of the whole experience was the long break (6-8 minutes) I had waiting for the next wave to come.  I was even able to joke, talk, and be fully present in those breaks.  I never fully got into "a zone" like with my other births.  I felt very aware and conscious of those around me and all that was going on.

My diffuser blend during labor. I premixed it in a triple batch so we could use it in our postpartum room, too.

At some point I decided to get up on the bed on my hands and knees, with the head of the bed upright so I could put my face on a pillow and rest my forearms.  My husband brought me a cold washcloth and I chewed on it to help during the most intense parts.  I tried to squat back deeply each time a contraction would come.  I felt like the midwife and nurse must have thought I wasn't progressing well, because they performed another cervical check.  My midwife said I was a 9.5!  She said there was a small lip of my cervix left but that if I started pushing it would likely go away.  I was incredulous.  Multiple times during this phase, they would check for Baby's heart rate.  At least 2-3 times they looked at each other and seemed concerned when it read in the 80s instead of 140's like before.  At one point the midwife even said "I think it might just be time to have this baby" and I heard the nurse hurriedly wheel a table of instruments around.  I felt panicked and confused and I asked if it was possible they were reading my heart rate instead of the baby's.  When they moved the monitors lower, the baby's heart rate was consistently fine.

The most different aspect of this birth was how present I felt because of the gap between contractions.  I never experienced the panic during transition or the desperation for pain relief like I did with my other births.  This was the first time I made a decision to consciously push during contractions, which felt so unnatural and odd to me.  I suspected I might not be pushing effectively because the midwife suggested I stand back up or try another position.  I remember asking with an exasperated laugh, "How long do people hang out at 9.5cm?!"  After standing through a few contractions, I asked if it was OK for me to push on the toilet.  I had this in the back of my mind the entire time, and had even jokingly mentioned it to my sister and husband at different times that I would probably end up delivering this baby on the toilet.  A nurse, our midwife, my husband and I all moved into the bathroom. I could walk just fine, but I couldn't sit down on the toilet without squeezing my husband's hands as he lowered me down.

Another cervical check revealed I still had a small portion (how is that possible?!) of my waters in tact that the midwife believed was inhibiting the baby from descending more. I didn't feel like I was making progress, and I assumed the midwife agreed because she said "I think we should head back to the bed, Alison.  You were doing well there."  Right as she said that I felt a gush as the last of my waters gave way.  She immediately said to the nurse, "There was some meconium there."  She seemed to be trying to talk calmly with me, but my eyes were closed and I was confident, for the first time the whole day, that the baby was actually coming now.  I just remember reaching down and grabbing under my child's arms as she was born.  We all heard a high pitched cry right away.  The nurse and my husband both commented on the large amount of meconium that was delivered with the baby. I was instantly crying and saying "Mommy's right here, you're ok, Baby.  Thank you, God! Thank you, God!" I think the next words out of my mouth were "I'm in so much pain, you guys!"  Once again, instead of being blissfully overcome with adrenaline and hormones like in the past, I felt completely grounded and aware of all that was happening.  It was SO DIFFERENT for me.  After a few more moments of just sitting with my eyes closed and embracing my sweet child, I discovered we had another baby girl! We smiled at each other in disbelief and everyone sort of laughed because they knew we didn't have our girl name picked out.  She would be nameless for about 12 hours.

We made our way back to the bed (which is sort of a hilarious procedure when you haven't delivered the placenta yet).  At that point I heard our nurse say "20:41" and I was furiously trying to do mental math to figure out what time it was.  My husband kindly said "8:41, Alison.  I guess that's just our time of evening."  Our other daughters were born at 8:00 and 8:29pm even though their labor stories were quite different.  I delivered the placenta with some help from the midwife, and asked to examine it with her.  It was fascinating, and MUCH larger than I expected.  I was in awe that my body not only grew a child but also an extra organ.  What a miracle! A quick examination showed I had no tearing, which really surprised me based on how I was feeling. I asked my husband to grab my "afterbirth" roller I had made, because the cramping was very uncomfortable.  I rubbed it all over my stomach just about each time she nursed and after each time the nurses pushed on my stomach.

Afterbirth Roller for helping relieve cramping

The nurse later told us that the meconium that was present just before delivery is almost always an immediate NICU trip, but since Baby came out so quickly afterwards and was crying SO MUCH, they were confident she was fine to stay with me.  Thank you, Lord for answering my prayer of never allowing her to leave my side.  She was later weighed at 7lbs 13oz and measured at 20in long. When I first looked at her, I immediately noticed the dark hair all over her head (our other two daughters had been fairly bald), the adorable dimple that shows up on her right side, and her perfectly perfect nose, lips and mouth. I also remember thinking something about her reminded me of my second daughter as opposed to my first.  I had such an adrenaline rush that I stayed up that first night until about 5am before falling asleep. I happily held and nursed our daughter, trying to memorize every detail, still completely in SHOCK that she was actually here.  We thank God for our healthy child and how he brought her into the world in His own timing and way.  Zara Beverly IS a miracle, a gift from God and a wonderful addition to our family.  We love her with all we have.

SO HAPPY.  (16 minutes after she was born)

First time Dad got to hold her (1.5 hours after birth)

First picture as a family of 5 <3

Zara Beverly

October 15

When the tears won't stop flowing,
And your mind won't stop reeling,
And no words will ever be sufficient...
When your own emotional state feels unfamiliar,
And depression settles in nearly undetected,
And you want to scream and rant and never talk again all in the same minute...

...you blog.

You go back to the blog you started for exactly these reasons.  To get out the thoughts that won't come out unless you pull them out painful word after painful word.  To make it real, even though you wish it weren't.  To reach out to friends and strangers and hope that you can make their trauma somehow less lonely.  It's like agonizing therapy:  it feels like you are slowly ringing the air out of your own lungs, and yet it feels like you are breathing deeply for the first time in months.

So, here we go.  Here is the nightmare of how we lost our second baby.

Let's start happy, shall we?  Because typing the word "lost" already wrenched me to sobs.  *Takes deep breath.*

On May 14, 2016 Naya barged into the bathroom as I peeked at the test a little early:  We're pregnant!

We suspected for about a week that we might be pregnant, and I committed to hold out taking a test until my birthday (May 15).  But I caved.  And we were right!  Baby #2 would be coming sometime late in January and would make Naya a big sister! She even learned how to say "Beebee" as I cried and giggled and took a quick video to remember the craziness of these emotions.

I wanted to come up with a creative way to tell Hubs, but that afternoon he randomly picked Naya up and said, "You are my favorite-est baby in the whole wide world!" and I just couldn't contain it.
I hollered from the next room, "Naya, tell Daddy he can't say that anymore."
Hubs replied with confusion, "Hun, I won't say that when we have another baby..."
I casually said, "Well, we do. So..."
" WE DO?!?!"

*Commence celebration*

My parents came to town the following day and we celebrated my birthday.  We decided to keep our other source of celebration (BABYYYY) to ourselves at this point, partially because of how new the concept was to us, and partially because my family already had big news coming the next day:  the gender reveal of my sister's baby due in October!  I thought it best to give their news time for a proper celebration of its own, first.  So, we secretly winked at each other across the room and squeezed each other's hands in church and kept our mouths shut. I thought I might explode.

Quickly our bean-spilling plans, and our entire lives, were derailed with the news my sweet sister received at her doctor's appointment on May 16.  We were stunned.  We were shaken.  We waited to hear about a second opinion for Naya's tiny cousin early the next week.  The news did not get better. And the entire focus of our lives for the past weekend changed dramatically.  I drove to be with my sister and called my other sister on the drive.  We cried together and tried to process what we learned.  And then, I exploded.  I spilled the beans. On the phone.  Baby #2 was no longer a secret.  Oopsie.

The following weeks were a whirlwind of secret keeping, hesitant joy, deep grief, confusion and planning.  My sister and her husband looked into experimental treatment for their child and found out they weren't good candidates. I bought a journal and started writing notes to Baby, the same way I had written (and continue to write) to Naya. We started thinking that our house hunt would need to speed up (or stop altogether).  My 4-week-long newfound fitness routine came into question.  Prenatal vitamins:  re-stalked. OBGYN appointment:  confirmed.  Clothes:  getting tight?!  Necessary looser clothes:  purchased.

And then came Thursday, June 2.  The details aren't clear to me anymore, but I know the bleeding started that evening on the couch.  It's an unmistakable feeling for any woman, but it truly confused me.  I got up, put on a pad, and tried to come up with every reason why this could be normal.  My pregnant sister had called me early in her pregnancy with something similar, and it had been nothing, right?  A fellow blogging mom had a scare worse than this and her baby was healthy.  I rationalized.  I told Hubs what was going on.  I tried not to think about it.  I failed.

But, as only my precious toddler could, Naya took my mind off of myself and Baby by waking up in the middle of the night...sick.  She was inconsolable all morning.  She barely ate breakfast.  And then she puked it up.  Twice. With a fever.  You know, the works.

I called mom trying to cancel our weekend plans with our extended family because "Naya is sick (AND I'M FREAKING OUT)" but mom encouraged me to give her Tylenol and see how she was later.  And of course she was fine.  I called my OBGYN to see if I could be seen right away, but a dismissive nurse said "If you aren't experiencing cramping, it might not be what you think it is.  This can be normal.  Plus, if you are miscarrying, there is really nothing we can do.  So, just see how you feel this weekend and call in Monday."  Thanks for nothing. I lost it.

And then I temporarily found "it," regathered "it," got "it" back together and we packed our bags and headed out Friday for a little getaway in Shipshewana for my Grandpa's birthday.  It was fun:  a petting zoo (like way cooler than any other petting zoo. More like a petting safari?), antique shopping, delicious food, beautiful accommodations.

Naya feeding a deer.

On the wagon ride you saw/fed camels, zebras, cows, donkeys, ostriches, etc.

 But the cramping did start. And I knew what was happening. And just like we had celebrated in secret, Hubs and I were coming unglued in secret.  The bleeding increased. Heavily.  I was chatting with my cousins, keeping an eye on my toddler, walking around Amish country, and trying not to double over from the menstrual-like pains all throughout my stomach and back.  I was miserable and I was trying not to be.  We would learn later that I pretty much fooled NOBODY.

We were supposed to leave early Saturday morning to head to a wedding in southern Indiana.  By late Friday night we were pretty sure I wasn't going to be able to handle the car ride.  Laying down in the dark and crying uninhibited were about the only things that felt "right" and I couldn't do that while riding shot-gun for 4 hours, nor while surrounded by my entire family.  I didn't sleep all night from the pain and the worry.  And neither did sweet Naya.  She uncharacteristically called out for me in the night and would only sleep on my chest, like when she was a newborn.  It was like a slow-motion scene from a movie with quiet, sad string music playing in the background as I felt my toddler kicking and poking my stomach from the outside and my body churning and cramping from the inside. I thought so much of these two siblings and how this should not be the only time they snuggled together.  I sobbed all night.  On second thought, maybe that's why none of us slept.

So we got up early, left my family, and went back to our apartment.  The car ride was painful in every way possible.  I text two dear friends that had previously been open about their miscarriages.  I was TERRIFIED.  I had no idea what to expect.  I asked them what they did, what they recommended, how long it took, etc.  They were empathetic, kind, and honest.  Based on what they said, I figured I would agonize over this a few more days.

But the second we walked in the door I knew I needed to use the bathroom and change my pad.  And immediately when I sat down on the toilet I heard something hit the water.  The cramping had been intense just minutes before, but it subsided as soon as I sat on the toilet.  I sat there for what seemed like minutes contemplating if I should just get up, flush and walk away or if I should see what just happened.  And in a way I can only describe as some weird, strong, maternal instinct, I knew I had to look.

So, I did.
And I yelled for Hubs to come into the bathroom.  As he opened the door, I stammered, "I think...I think I just had the baby..." and then the most gut-wrenching, foreign sounds started to come from deep inside me.  I absolutely fell apart.  I didn't even recognize my own cries as I sat hysterically at the foot of the toilet with my husband embracing me and our startled toddler trying to see what was going on.

Little did I know what would continue to happen in the next 3-4 days.  The worst was not over, not by a long shot. Turns out, the body takes a while to actually miscarry.  And, if you are anything like me, that process makes the grieving take a while, too.

I decided that I wanted to bury our child as a way to honor his or her precious life.  I was only 7 weeks along, so this might not seem entirely necessary, but to me, then, it was.  So I called Mom (because we rent and I had NO clue where said burial should take place).  And she was gracious, and understanding, and perfectly what I needed her to be in that moment (even though she hadn't even known we were pregnant and she was already grieving with my sister).

So the following day, we placed our sweet Baby and all the notes I had written him or her in a small jewelry-type box.  I wrote on the top "Every good and perfect gift is from above..." -James 1:17.  Dad dug a small whole near a tree that we planted in my late aunt's memory and then Hubs and I had a moment together outside on Sunday, while Naya napped inside with my parents.  We laid the only thing we had of our second child in the ground and we prayed and cried.  Truthfully, it put horrid finality on something that felt so ongoing.  It gave me a tiny bit of closure, as many people say.  I will never forget the words of my father that day: "I don't want to just ignore this and pretend like it didn't happen. We want to talk about it if you want to talk about it.  The way I see it, I'm a Grandpa three times now."

*Cue grateful tears*

For the record, I do want to talk about my Baby.  I still, 4 months later, don't know 100% how to process what has happened and honor the life that we knew for such a short time without being consumed by our loss. About a month and a half after we miscarried, my sister had my precious niece, Charlotte, and the pain of loss was magnified in a whole new, yet similar, way.  My 2-year-old is still obsessed with babies, well-meaning friends continue to ask when we will have another child (and yes, two people have even asked me if I AM pregnant so that's fun and not emotionally undoing at all) and everything just feels OFF.  I still struggle with the guilt of having felt like we weren't ready for a second child and the endless mental questioning of every exercise I tried or thing I ate that could have caused this.  I have faltered in my understanding of "basic Christian theology" (for the record, this article  and its sequel brought me back to sweet, gracious, reality).  And I have had this (and two more) posts written since early August and have deleted and re-started and re-thought and freaked out multiple times. I'm a mess, guys. Let's be real.

But. GOD. has not changed.  But. GOD. is still answering my prayers.  But. GOD. is drawing my heart back to His Truth.  But. GOD. has recently reminded me that true encouragement comes when you let people into your life mid-messy-process, instead of waiting until you've got it all organized and worded perfectly.

So, this enormous post is here to say that October 15 (Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day) is a big deal to me.  And to my family.  And to my God. I hope that if you have gone through the loss of a child during pregnancy or birth or at any point thereafter, you know that I am here and willing to listen to what you have gone through and answer any questions you would ever want to ask me about my experience. Because all life is precious. And all loss is loss.

Children in Church

Over the past few months, I have personally read and thought a lot about this topic:  Why do some churches expect children to be part of the worship service and other churches have a wide variety of other places children should be during that time?

A little bit of background might be helpful.  I grew up in a Lutheran church where we sat through the service alongside our parents.  My earliest memories are of asking my dad "how much longer do we have?" in a hushed tone as he pulled out the worship bulletin and pointed to where we were in the order of service.  I remember being proud of myself for keeping my eyes closed for the entire prayer time.  Let's be honest, it was pretty long for child's attention span.  But we did it. We moved churches after my 5th grade year, and ended up at a small Baptist church.  It was pretty much opposite in every way.  There was a nursery for young children and then a "children's church" time for older kids.  They would stay for songs, greeting time and announcements and then go to their own, age appropriate sermon message.

Fast forward to today, and I am a member of a Grace Brethren Church that is in between the Lutheran and Baptist church in size.  I never paid much attention to what the children did during the worship service, until my daughter was born.  Now, almost 2, she is dropped off in the nursery from the moment we walk in the building until the completion of the service.  There are classes for students up through 5th grade, in fact.  Very rarely are children brought into special services, sermons, songs, or any time with the rest of the congregation.   And, truthfully, it rubbed me wrong as soon as I had to drop my young baby off in the nursery.  I wanted her with me.  That feeling was magnified when I went back to work.  I thought, I send my daughter to a babysitter five days out of the week, and now I have to send her off again on Sunday?!  Whether it was intentional or not, I felt an unspoken expectation that I maintain the quiet, professional atmosphere in the sanctuary by sending my infant into the nursery.  Everyone was doing it.  Literally, everyone.

So, as I have spent the better part of 2 years thinking through what I believe and prefer in regards to children in the church service, I wanted to share some of the articles I have found to be particularly helpful and challenging.  Many reinforce what I have subconsciously thought for a while:  First, children should have the ability to sit quietly through a church service.  Secondly, it is good for children to see adults worshiping God.  And lastly, children can learn so many things from a worship service.

I welcome any other resources you have found as you are considering how to children can or should be involved in the service.  I, of course, understand that there are conflicting opinions and preferences on this topic and that ultimately, each family has to decide what is best in their case.

1. This quick article, "5 Reasons Children Should be Part of the Main Service Regularly" first sparked my serious consideration about the possible negative affects of removing children from corporate worship.

2. Desiring God posted this article, "Should Children Sit Through 'Big Church'?" that referenced this paper, "The Family:  Together in God's Presence."  They are both my two main pieces of reflection and interest at this point.  I really appreciate the emphasis on parenting, and at the same time it is very sobering for me.

3. This article includes both sides of this debate.  Here is the "Pro Family Worship" side, and here you can find "Real Kids Worship" points as well.  It's worth noting that ChildrensMinistry.com found that 48% of the people polled agreed with family worship time and 52% preferred age-specific worship.  Clearly, it's a pretty even split.

Happy Birthday to Me

Two years ago, I took a few months off of Facebook to prepare for the arrival of our first daughter.

This past winter, I stopped my endless streaming of episodes for 6 weeks to make better use of my time during the day.

And, starting tomorrow morning, I will be spending 30 days unplugged.  No more logging in to Facebook, Twitter or Instagram.  No more mindlessly scrolling through my phone while not entirely engaging with the conversation around me.  No more "multi-tasking" while my daughter finishes lunch or guilting myself into writing a blogpost that is well past due.  From May 4-June 4 I will be offline. I'm deleting apps from my phone and putting my phone in a separate room when I'm at home.  The only exception due to necessity (unfortunately) is my email.  I am going to check it once or twice a day from my laptop.  Other than that, toodles!

Why now?  The weather is getting nicer.  Then worse again. But mainly nicer. I'm starting to become more disciplined in my strength training and cardio.  My daughter is so fun to play with and I hate not giving her the attention she deserves.  We have many upcoming travel plans both within the state and outside of the country.  God has given me a greater hunger for Scripture than ever before in my life.  I even think I want to try to memorize a whole book of the Bible!  I'll let you know how that works out. We have major life decisions coming up as a family.  I want to implement some form of fasting (maybe a version of this plan?) periodically.  I have an ever growing list of prayer requests and seemingly fewer minutes in my day to pray over them.  It's my birthday month.  So, really, why NOT now?  When I write all those goals out, I can't help but feel like 30 days won't even be enough!

As I struggle with how to make these big changes and huge decisions, Romans 12:2 really convicted my heart:

"...let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.  Then you will learn to know God's will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect."

So, I'm going to give God a little more peace and quiet to work in my heart and mind.  To transform me into a new person who can learn His perfect will for my life by changing the way I think.  I'm not saying a break from the internet is the answer to everything, but for me it is necessary from time to time.  And as Romans 14:22-23 reminds us, "Blessed are those who don't feel guilty for doing something they have decided is right. But if you have doubts about whether or not you should eat something, you are sinning if you go ahead and do it.  For you are not following your convictions.  If you do anything you believe is not right, you are sinning."

If you like seeing pictures of my daughter, or you enjoy articles that I read or crafts that I have tried, I look forward to seeing you back here in June!

Toodles :)

Staying Focused on Easter in a World of Bunnies.

First of all, I blogged every day last week two weeks ago on my teacher blog.  That's unheard of from this blogger-wannabe.  I'd like to say that's the explanation for why I haven't blogged on here all week for a while, but I have not yet fully committed to a set schedule in blogging, so that can also be blamed.  Thanks for hanging around, even when I'm inconsistent, y'all :)

As we get closer and closer to Easter this year, I'm increasingly convicted by how much I just let it creep up on me.  I anticipate Christmas and plan out a whole week of celebrations for birthdays at times, but when it comes to the celebration of my Savior rising from the dead, I just do my normal thing and try to be more grateful?!  How utterly lazy and ridiculous. 

For the past couple of weeks, I have been trying to intentionally plan out ways of reflecting and celebrating Christ's life, death and resurrection.  Last week I really began to (try to) put the plans into action!  My list includes some things for me personally, some activities I want to try to do with Naya, and some things that we will do as a whole family.  Here is what I am shooting for:

1. John Piper's 50 Reasons Why Jesus Came to Die:  My goal is to read 3-4 of these short chapters each night before bed to help me slowly process the multifaceted purpose of Christ dying.  My husband read this aloud to me two years ago, but this year I am hoping to really spend more time in it.  Piper's readings can be pretty deep for some people, but I have really enjoyed reading more of his articles and this particular book includes a lot of direct Scripture quotations (which I really appreciate).

2. Easter Breakfast/Sunday Service: Our home church has a free breakfast before the church service on Easter.  The food is great, the conversations are genuine and enthusiastic and I love seeing Naya interact with our church family.

3. Hidden In My Heart: Volume III A Lullaby Journey Through the Life of Jesus:  This set of CD's was first brought to my attention on Revive Our Hearts when I was listening to a podcast.  With Naya's obsession with music, and our playlists getting annoyingly short and repetitive, I thought this would be a great "Easter gift" for her.  I know I will enjoy listening to it, too!  My favorite part is that this volume is explicitly the words of our Savior set to music.  How lovely.

4. The Gospel of John: My husband reminded me, when I was trying to select a passage to read, that the Gospel of John has the most amount of chapters dedicated to the time between the Last Supper and the Ascension.  That, in addition to the fact that we are in a long series on Mark in church and I am very familiar with Matthew, led me to believe John might guide my mind and heart well in this time. Side note: I'm reading it aloud, and in Spanish.  It's SO CHALLENGING for me this way, and I think it really makes me stop and focus on each word and phrase.  I feel like I'm reading John for the first or second time.

" 'If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink.  Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him.' By this he meant the Spirit, whom those who believed in him were later to receive." -John 7:38-39

  5. Focus on the Family's Free Resources for Holy Week: This was a direct answer to prayer! I received this email on the exact day that I was asking God how I could start teaching Naya about the meaning behind Easter.  I am hoping this year we will start by making the palm branches, baking bread, foot washing.  I know that the conversations will be pretty much by myself at this point, but I also want to get into the habits (for me AND her) of being intentional. Celebrating things worth celebrating.  Learning by doing.  Experiencing.

6. Extended Family Luncheon: After church we will drive to my parent's house where my mom's family will celebrate by eating together.  I always enjoy being around my cousins, aunts and uncles and other family members.  Now that there are 3 great-grandchildren in the bunch, it is really fun to see them all around each other.

7. "O the Blood" by Kari Jobe: Last Sunday, Marc Eckel did his Splat Experience display during our church service and used this song as his background music.  The words combined with the incredible image brought tears almost instantly.  I have listened to it many times since, and will continue to listen to it throughout the week.

" O what love, no greater love.  Grace, how can it be that in my sin, yes even then He shed His blood for me?!"

*****************

When Naya is a bit older, I hope to spend more time diving into resources such as these: 

1. Resurrection Eggs DIY

2. Age Specific Activities from Focus on the Family

3. Dr. James Dobson's Pinterest Board!

And if you are reading this post thinking "What IS the Spiritual Truth behind Easter?  Why don't we just go on Easter egg hunts and eat chocolate bunnies like everyone else and call it good enough?  What is so special about Easter?"...oh, dear friend, let me show you.  Read this for a good starting point. Then, comment here or reach out to me with questions.  Because the reason behind Easter is the reason for life.  It's everything.

Crossover Post: Teacher turned Stay at Home Mom

**This post was originally published on my teaching blog "Language Is Influence".**

Maybe you're like me.

Your life is changing directions very quickly.  

You're a young wife and teacher.  You are learning new things in the classroom and you love pouring your energy into getting better and trying new things.

You're looking for your first house and you search online for something that could be part of your future.

And BAM.  One day you find out your pregnant.  And your life priorities and energy and five year plan sorta kinda goes down the toilet...as you knew them, anyway.  Perhaps you go back to work after having your baby.  Or perhaps, like me, that wasn't a sustainable way to live for your family.  So, for now, you are no longer the young wife and teacher who loves to learn new strategies for formative assessments and search for inventive new apps.  Maybe you are now the young wife and mother who goes to baby music classes and says "please don't play with the trashcan/outlets/cough syrup/permanent markers" a lot lately.

Maybe, like me, you still feel like that young teacher.  You still have a heart for teaching and learning and traveling and languages and students.  You're not ready to be DONE but you are choosing something different (and better, for you) for now.  You've been wondering things like How can I keep using and improving my target language? How can I keep a foot in the door in my local school corporation?  How can I keep connected with students I've invested in?  How can I stay involved?

I've been there.  Actually, I'm still wandering around there a little bit.  But, here are five ways I have found to stay connected to Spanish teaching, even while staying at home with my baby.

1. Social Media:  While teaching I created a "teacher account" on Twitter and Instagram.  Even now, I re-tweet articles I have found about traveling, jokes in Spanish or resources for students.  Sometimes I post pictures of my daughter or things I'm doing with Spanish captions to engage students in reading a bit...and often times they will comment me or message me, which keeps those lines of communication open, safely and professionally.  Plus, I participate in Twitter chats where I'm still interacting with teachers and administrators in this area and learning what is going on in their classrooms.

2. Group Tutoring Classes:  I had heard people say before that companies might hire a tutor for their employees to learn Spanish, but I actually had better success within the church.  A local church and organization sends missionaries to the Dominican Republic and they were looking for a teacher to help them learn what they need before going on short term and long term trips.  One night a week, 1-2 hours at a time, and ADULT LEARNERS who are very motivated.  Hello, dream job.

3. International Travel:  I had planned and enrolled students in both my Peru and Spain trips before deciding to stay at home.  So, I kept my word.  Education First (EF) has been amazing at helping me prepare for meetings, communicate with parents and make a near flawless transition.  One meeting a month, a few emails in between, and a bit of organization.  EF does not require you to be a teacher to lead these trips, so if there isn't a program in your area...consider heading it up. I get to promote my tours in the schools, meet new students and travel. to. other. countries.  So.

4. Individual Student Tutoring:  I sent an email to all of my teacher/friends in the Spanish department at two middle schools and the high school, letting them know they could pass my information on to students and parents who needed additional tutoring.  I meet one night a week for an hour at Starbucks and help the student re-learn what they missed.  It's ideal for me (additional income & practice), the teacher (ain't nobody got time for that), and the student (additional reinforcement).

5. College Supervising Teacher:  The Christian college in my area has a strong education program and sends many prospective teachers into the public schools to complete their student teaching.  I get to observe them 5 times throughout the semester, evaluate them, mentor them and then eventually recommend them to pass student teaching if I feel they have earned that. It's entirely on my own schedule and allows me to not only know what is going on in the area public schools, but also keep up to date with what is expected of prospective teachers.

I didn't include the reading, ESL volunteering, conference attending and other ways I have enjoyed practicing Spanish and learning how to improve my teaching.  Obviously, you find options that work best for your family and passions.  I have loved my decision to step back from full time and even part time teaching "officially" and spend this time learning and growing "unofficially" as I soak up every minute possible with my precious daughter.

If you're like me, maybe you can find ways like this that you didn't know existed and enjoy some of your favorite aspects of classroom teaching...without the actual classroom, for now. 

What ways have you stayed involved in your temporary, or long-term, absence from classroom teaching?

Christmas Cards Rethought

I absolutely love decorating the entire side of my fridge with all the Christmas cards that come throughout the entire month of December.  When you're my age, your friends are always having babies so it's fun to see their tiny faces change and grow.  Plus, it progressively gets you into the "Christmas Spirit" as you open another letter and oooohhh and aaahhhh over it and make space next to the rest.

I remember as a child reading Christmas letters that families would type up and mail out every year.  You found out all the major milestones of their family members, and you felt like even if you hadn't been in contact regularly you knew the big events that they had gone through.

But, I'm not a person that can get a Christmas card, letter, picture...or gift for that matter...made, bought, and sent in time for it to be enjoyed.  Calling it a "Christmas Card" in fact, sorta stresses my procrastinating side out.  That's a tight time frame!

So, for the past two years our family has re-thought and re-vamped the idea of traditional Christmas cards ever so slightly.

Presenting: The New Year's Card!

I know, it's not that different.  But, it is to me.
Because...

• You can send it practically anytime within the month of January and not feel too guilty about it.  For me, that is critical because between out of state Christmases and chronically late family pictures, I just need the grace period.  
• Plus, when people place them on their fridge all year...it is STILL 2016.  Whereas, when I'm looking at my yearly Christmas cards in March, I feel like tossing them in the garbage even though I really want the pictures.  
• Websites like Vistaprint and Shutterfly tend to have really great sales on online prints and designs right after the holidays.  I saved 50% this year waiting until the second week of January to order!

Two years ago I included a Bible verse that I wanted to reflect our year.  My hope was that friends and family who need the reminder and encouragement would see Scripture on their fridge throughout the year.  This year,  I did a mini-Christmas letter idea on the back (thanks, VistaPrint).  I included an update about our daughter, my husband and myself. If it feels too Christmas Card-esque on the front, you can flip it over and read about our family....which isn't necessary for every person I know, but for family members we are trying to reach out to again after a long time, I think it is a nice touch.

Also, who doesn't want precious little baby faces on their return address labels that match their design?  Check out the baby cheeks from last year and the TODDLER that appeared out of no where this year!  *jaw drops*

Did you send Christmas cards this year? Why or why not?

Birthday Bash!

It seems crazy that we recently celebrated Naya's first birthday!  We can hardly believe how months 10-12 have flown by...and how SO MANY huge developments have accompanied them.  We feel like we have a whole new baby these days!

Baby girl weighs 16lbs 4oz these days.  Yeah, we know, she's tiny.
She's pulling herself up to ANYTHING (even very wobbly, bad-idea-Naya-stop things) with one hand and then letting go &slowly sitting down.
She loves her walking toy and knows how to back it up if she gets stuck.
She is eating everything like Mommy & Daddy now and is on whole milk.
She is getting gigglier and ornerier.  She plays peek-a-boo, takes her pants off, teases us and dances.
She waves, kisses, hugs, and nodds/shakes her head (mostly when appropriate).
Our hearts explode with each new learning moment and discovery :)

When it came time to throw her a "birthday party", we probably took a different approach than many first time parents.  Because...well...we didn't.  We wanted to celebrate and thank God for giving us this last wonderful year with our daughter, but we also try to live simply and we didn't want to spend lots of money or time preparing for a huge party.  That was just our choice.  I love seeing Pinterest boards of first birthday ideas and I love attending those parties myself, but it just doesn't fit our family and our values.

In the weeks leading up to her birthday, we checked out all the birthday books we could find from our favorite authors at the public library.  We read one or two a day, and then we used them as "decorations" at her birthday bash.

So, we had over our immediate family that lives in this area (my parents, sisters/spouses, husband's sister & family).  They came to our small apartment, we grilled and ate outside on borrowed tables from our church.  We didn't send out invitations; we didn't decorate.

Baby girl enjoyed her first experience with a cupcake. No, not just any cupcake. THIS CUPCAKE.

She saw...

She licked...

She hugged...?...

She devoured... 

She...got too messy and wanted an icing refill, please.

 And then, of course, the bees began attacking and the wind made sitting outside a bit chilly, so we packed into our small living room and opened some presents.  Then we played, talked, and practically sat on each other. Seriously, though.

My husband and I didn't really get her gifts.
I bought her 3 headbands...

This one from ShelbyChicBoutique.

And these two from VioletBowtique.

...we wrote her letters...

... and we put some money in her envelope.
We knew others would give her the fun experience of tearing into boxes and bags, and she has EVERYTHING she needs and more.  We choose to give her (&most in our lives) experiences instead of items.  Not that items are bad (in fact, she loves them) but just that we find experiences to last longer, be more personal, meaningful and intentional and fit our family better.

Oh, and I used this adorable pattern from Pinterest to crochet a little birthday crown the night before her "birthday bash."  She obviously loved it.  HA.

We also finished the 1st year of her baby book and had it out along with a few other prints of family & friends with Naya.

One of my favorite parts was when my brother-in-law-to-be snapped some candid family photos of the evening.

Leading up to the time the party was to be, I kept going back and forth in my mind if we should move it to our church, if we should invite great-grandparents, if we should...if we should...

And that is when I need to stop and remember this day is not about me.
It is not about comparing my house or family or plans to any other mother.
It is about God and how he has answered our prayers and proved Himself faithful over the past year.
And I'm pretty sure entirely positive He doesn't care if my apartment feels claustrophobic or if my chairs are wobbly and uncomfortable.

My favorite thing in the weeks following Naya's birthday was taking pictures of her wearing, playing with or using her gifts.  I included those snapshots in the notes that "Naya wrote" for her loved ones.  It was fun to do...hope they enjoy a little picture of my everyday :)

Naya "reading" the magazine subscription gifted to her by her great aunt.

Naya "reading" her new flip books from her cousin.

Naya mastering the xylophone thanks to her aunt & uncle.

Naya all ready for her 12mo immunizations in the new clothes her aunt gave her.

Thank you, Heavenly Father, for seeing it fit to bless us with Naya Renee for one whole year.  May her life always reflect You to those who know her.  May she love you and know you deeply.  May we as parents show Your love to her this next year and for her whole life.

Six Weeks of Milestones

It has been just over six weeks since we welcomed our daughter into the world!  Since then, she has already developed and changed in many ways.  Here are some highlights of our past six weeks...

1. Naya was dedicated at our church, Community Grace Brethren Church soon after being born.  We are looking very forward to her growing and learning there (alongside at least six other girl babies close in age!)

My dad praying over Naya during the dedication.

Four generations! Grandma & Grandpa Spahr, Dad, me and Baby Naya.

Four generations!  Grandpa Carter, Mom, me, and Baby Naya.

Our growing family:  My sister and her husband (left), my parents (back), AJ, Naya & I (center) and my other sister (right).

2. I have had an extremely weird growth on my lip removed twice and injected with steroids once.  Yeah, disgusting.  When you hear all the hype about what pregnancy hormones can do to your body...believe it. I'll spare you the pictures. Ick.

3. This new mommy had her first scare (however minor!)  In the middle of the night in her second week at home, I noticed the left side of her chest was extremely swollen and red.  I panicked.  I called my mom who recommended I call her doctor in the morning.  After being examined, they decided to give her an antibiotic to stop any possible infection.  My poor kiddo HATED that shot in her thigh (who can blame her?!).  I felt horrible for her, but had to keep reminding myself it was to help.  24 hours later we could already see improvement...WHEW.

4. My husband's parents got to meet Naya when she was about 3 weeks old!  They live over 13 hours away, so obviously they didn't get to join my parents' hospital party three hours after Naya's birth.  Instead, they came up when Naya's cousin, Noah, was getting baptized and got to spend time with us then.  We can't wait to see them all again at Christmastime!

Naya talking with Grandpa Schemmer.

Naya enjoying some time with Grandma Schemmer and cousins Elise and Jon (who isn't enjoying it quite as much).

5. She has been exposed to some Cross Country meets already! We went and cheered on my middle school athletes once and then she even got to see her aunts compete in college, too.  We hope she grows to love the sport that brought her parents together :)

5. We have had two more showers since Naya has been alive...one at church and one with my mother's side of the family.  What a blessing to have so many people help us out!!  And Naya now has some cute girly clothing, finally :)

6. My cousin, Jessica, took some great family pictures for us!  You have to check out her amazing photography blog here.  She did a lifestyle session in our apartment before heading outside to get some of our whole family.  I absolutely love her work...she seriously makes us look SO much better than we do in real life ;)

Tiny little grin?

In love.

She loved Jessica!

Our new little family of three.

The whole gang!

7. Naya has now crashed my Book Club twice.  A group of my dearest teacher friends gets together monthly to discuss books we have selected to read...and Naya has joined us in September and October.  I miss these ladies so much while I'm on leave!

8. Naya smiles pretty regularly now *passes out with excitement*!!  She coos and babbles, she reaches for mom's curls, and she even enjoys about 3 minutes of tummy time.  She doesn't quite understand how bottles work...but the pacifier is a close friend when she is tired or in the car.  The carseat/stroller/car rides/walks are some of her favorites.  I'm hoping the Moby Wrap soon grows on her...but no luck yet.  Her little frog legs go NONSTOP and are getting quite powerful.  She loves skin to skin, especially after bath time or when she is fighting sleep.  Speaking of...she temporarily sleeps between 3-4 hours at a time and a couple of nights she has freaked us out with a 5 or 6 hour stretch!  We are thankful, but we know it could all change :)

I'm one month old! And not too happy about it, apparently.

My wide-eyed shopping companion.

This girl loves relaxing with Daddy.